March 6th, 2017
The last time we talked I was confessing how greedy I felt, and how uncomfortable it was to be faced, so blatantly, with your imperfections. As my closet became more empty and my drawers more bare I started to feel it too, inside. I love fashion and my clothes are a huge part of what I felt made me who I was. I love putting together outfits; trying weird and outlandish styles; and doing crazy things with my shoes, accessories, and hair. I live for it! So to see my drawers and closets so bare made me feel like I’d lost a part of myself.
The more I sat with the idea, however, the more I realized that if anything I’d become even more me. I was even more Alexis than the day before. If anything, I was the most Alexis I had ever been. I was left with the bare bones of what it is to be me. With what I do have now I am undoubtedly and unapologetically exact who I want to be and nobody else. There is no second guessing me. There is no wondering what I’m like. I am just simply who I am. When I began to let go of my things as defining points I began to hold more tightly to myself.
I had valued myself as someone who could be whoever I wanted to be. One day I could be goth, preppy, hipster, hippie, etc., but the more I sat with this idea the more I realized this was just a physical way for me to say, “I have no idea who I am.” In a sense I had defined myself by having no real definition. I had given myself an explanation for what I thought was strength. “Be whoever you want – You can do anything.” Right? But now I know the hardest part is deciding to be something.
You can do anything and you can be whoever you want to be, but one of the hardest parts about life deciding to be it. It’s easy to be a free spirit, because you never really have to commit to anything. You never really have to make any real decisions that could influence your life one way or another. All you have to do is decide, that day, who you want to be. There’s no fear in it. There’s no expectation. But to take the time to decide who you are, who you want to be, and what morals and values you want to be defined by, that’s huge. That’s a responsibility. It requires accountability and commitment. It’s serious. But in the same way it’s beautiful. It’s confidence, the true and unabridged version of it.
I have entered this realm where I am exactly who I am, defined by my love for the environment, my activism for equal rights, my desire for a healthier life for the next generation, my sexual abstinence, and determination to succeed. I am a Christian and unashamed. I am artistic, creative, and I love my family more than anything in this world. I want love and a family and I’m not embarrassed to try things and get hurt by them. I don’t believe in many social norms, because I feel they perpetuate the unhealthy cycle of insecurity and perfectionism. I love and believe in the healing power of meditation, yoga, and evidence-based psychotherapy. I’m imperfectly perfect. I am Alexis and I have made a decision to be her. It is the most important decision of my life, and I wouldn’t trade with a single person. Not even for a day.
Minimalism is beautiful like that. By simply stripping away the unnecessary you are left with only what matters. You never realize how the physical impacts the mental and emotional. Stay Tuned My Friends – Because I’m Just Getting Started!